from kissing you to missing you
by CharlotteJeanF
Summary: Seamus' response to Dean's goodbye letter. If you haven't read it yet, go check it out. It's called "Kissing You" and you can find it here: /s/9466980/1/Kissing-You


**A/N: Hiiiii theeeereee!**

**Hope everyone's doing great, I'm quite okay, a lot of stress because school and, you know, life, just the usual crap I have to put up with. Buuut in three days I'll have holidays, two weeks of no school! Yeah!**

**I will hopefully be able to upload more then, I will try at least.**

**This is not the Malec-finaly, I know, and I'm so sorry to everyone who keeps waiting! I'm just a bit shitty with updating lately, so keep your eyes open and don't lose hope it'll come out soon! Pinky promise!**

**So, I have posted a Deamus fanfiction called „Kissing You" a while ago, and I also uploaded it on Wattpad. (If you haven't read it yet, I will put the link at the end of this, so you can check it out.)**

**And someone there asked me if I could write a response of Seamus to Dean's letter, which is a superawesome idea! Can't believe I didn't think of it on my own. **

**So I kept on thinking about that for a while, trying to figure out how to do it, and this happens to be the best I can come up with. Hope you'll enjoy reading!**

**If you have any ideas for a fic or a story you would want me to write, tell me! I'm open for practically everything. **

**Also, reviews and the usual stuff would be nice!**

**Cheers :-)**

**Xx**

**the link to „Kissing You": ** s/9466980/1/Kissing-You

**and to my wattpad profile: user/CharlotteJeanFlamel **

**I owe this thing to the wattpad user who asked if I could to this. Thank you lovely for the idea, I hope you like it! If you haven't, go check her out: user/britbrat0130 **

**And don't you wonder, I'm really crap at using Wattpad. Just give me some more time :-)**

**from kissing you to missing you**

_Dean Thomas,_

_**YOU ARE AN ABSOLUTE ASSHOLE. **It is SO not fair from you to just disappear only because we didn't talk for two bloody months. Remember when you were dating Ginny? We didn't talk for **six feckin months **and you didn't throw yourself off a stupid tower. Oh right, the one who wanted to throw himself off a tower back then wasn't you – it was me._

_Dammit, why do we even have towers in school? They should be forbidden so stupid little students like you don't do weird shit like KILL THEMSELVES._

_You have no idea. You have no idea how it felt when I found you._

_I remember sitting in the Great Hall with Hermione and Neville, eating and talkin' about Snape or something when Dumbledore came in. He looked so serious, and as usual, Dumbledore lookin' serious meant bad news._

_He quieted down everyone, and walked up to the front of the Hall and said, „All classes tomorrow morning will be cancelled due to today's events. Something terrible has happened. One of us ... left." _

_There was a rush of mumur going through the room, but when he raised his hand everyone shut up to listen again. _

„_He was a courageous young man, sorted into Gryffindor and blessed not only with amazing friends but also some great talents. This is not a loss which will be easy to bear with."_

_And I remember him looking at me and how I went completely cold within seconds. I refused to believe it was you, even though you hadn't shown up all day long and I heard you cry every damn night since the kiss. Well, guess who's crying every night **now**._

_So I remember him looking at me, and then saying softly, „All of us will show our love and respect and care while mourning this loss tomorrow morning during the services that will be held in honor of Dean Thomas." _

_I heard Hermione gasp and Ginny screaming „NO!" and one after one people started to cry and I felt everyone looking at me when I jumped up and shouted, „NO! YOU LIAR! HE CAN'T BE DEAD!" _

_And I remember his blue eyes settling on me sadly and slowly realizing that he meant every damn word he'd said, but I still wouldn't believe you were dead until I saw you myself. All I managed to get out was „Where?" and he said, „At the foot of the Astronomy tower," and I knew that meant it was either an accident, murder or suicide, all three things seeming so surreal and impossible to me. _

_I remember screaming „NO" the whole time and Neville getting up and putting his hand on my shoulder and saying something like „Calm down, Sea" or whatever, who cares because the only thing that mattered was me hitting him hard and then running outside and suddenly others were following me but I didn't stop until I saw you. _

_The moment I first laid eyes on your dark limbs crumpled on the floor was the moment I broke. I practically threw myself at you and held you in my arms and shook you and told you to wake up and that it was not funny to pretend to be dead just to scare me and then I was kissing you again in the hope to wake you up that way. You still tasted like the first time we kissed, but your lips were so **cold **and you didn't kiss me back, not a tiny bit. I know now what that feels like, and it's not nice. But do you know what's even less nice?_

_Sitting there in the cold, dark night in front of the entire school, holding on to your body frantically, crying so hard it hurt, kissing you again and again and telling you that „Yes, Thomas, you **are **an idiot and I hate you for doing this to me because **I FUCKING LOVE YOU**, DO YOU HEAR ME ASSHOLE? I **LOVE **YOU AND YOU JUST LEFT ME ALONE AND I AM NEVER, EVER, **EVER** GOING TO FORGIVE YOU. WAKE UP NOW AND LOVE ME BACK YOU STUPID IDIOT!"_

_I don't know how much time went by, but eventually Hagrid and Dumbledore walked up to me, and our headmaster put his hand on my shoulder and told me that they needed me to let you go so they could prepare you for the funeral. _

_I just kept holding on to your lifeless body and shouted that I would never be able to let you go and then Neville and Harry and Ron approached us and Fred and George helped them pull me away from you, and I saw Hagrid lifting you up and carrying you away and I started to shout your name and begged Hagrid to stop and bring you back to me, but he didn't response. All he did was turn around and give me one of those sad looks I get on a daily basis now. _

_Fred, George and Harry somehow managed to bring me back to the dorm, although I fought a lot because I wanted them to leave me alone and get back to you, but it was hopeless – I lost the fight. _

_As soon as I realized that, I started to scream, and I can't remember anything from the way back to the dorms because my whole vision was blurry with tears. _

_The next thing I knew was Neville pulling up the sheets to my chin, tugging them under my body and whispering it was going to be okay, and I told him to fuck off and he tried to calm me with words but I just swore at him until he eventually left me alone. _

_I felt like I was dieing, and I didn't sleep at all that night. I just lay there and pictured your beautiful face and how your legs and arms were spread out in all the wrong angles and I cried so hard I thought it was over, and to be honest, I wouldn't have minded much. I believe I would've welcomed dead because it would bring me back to you, but of course I wasn't lucky enough to die. _

_I am still alive, more or less, and I am here and I am hurting so much I can barely breathe and I miss you like hell. How could you do this to me?_

_How could you just leave me?_

_These are questions that never left my head, circling around and around in my mind, especially when I stayed in bed the whole next day. I refused to go to your funeral, and although Harry and Neville tried to get me there, nothing could get me out of my bed, the safe haven where you would be alive, at least in my dreams. _

_I just stayed in there all day, I didn't eat, I didn't speak, I just lay still, with my eyes closed, and thought of you. I thought of every memory we ever shared and all the things that could've, no, would've been if I'd only have had enough courage to tell you the truth. Which is that I love you. _

_I remember Harry and Neville and Ron coming back in the evening, with reddened eyes and sad faces, looking incredibly dark in their suits, and I remember no one speaking and then, when everyone was asleep, I changed into my usual sleeping position, on my left side, curled into a ball. I was just sliding my arm under the pillow when I found your letter._

_I hesitated when I saw my name, done in your beautiful handwriting, and it took me ten minutes to gather up enough strength to unfold the paper which was just as white as my skin. When I had opened it, I could do nothing but stare at your handwriting, running my fingers over the dark blue ink as if that would bring you back to me. Of course it didn't. _

_After ten minutes I was finally ready to read your letter, and I have to say that Dean Thomas, that was the greatest bullshit I have ever read in all my life. _

_You said I looked disgusted, when in reality I was just shocked and utterly overwhelmed. I thought you of all people would know how to read my expression._

_Well, you were right at some point: I left the dorm and didn't come back that night. In fact, I was sitting at the lake, underneath this oak tree that was our secret meeting point. I sat there and thought about the way your lips felt so good on mine and how you tasted like peppermint and screw Lavender and the Weasel, in fact screw all girls because why would I need a girl when I had you?_

_I hoped you'd come to talk to me, but you didn't. I was thinking about a way to tell you how I feel the past two months, but I was never brave enough. You always looked so cold and like you were regretting that kiss bitterly and I guess I couldn't have beared a rejection from the one person I wanted the most._

_But now I have to bear with something much worse, and I can't believe this is happening. But it is, and it is real, and it is my life, and you will never come back to me. _

_I ask myself every day what we could've had if we both had only been brave enough, if we had only talked to each other, if it hadn't been nothing but a great misunderstanding._

_Because that is really all it was, and now this misunderstanding killed my best friend._

_Dumbledore was right when he said „This is not a loss that will be easy to bear with". In fact, this is the hardest loss you can imagine. I still can't believe I have lost you._

_I also haven't been to see your grave yet. I just wasn't strong enough, expecting that maybe I'd break down and cry and scream and then dig in the dirt for your body, hidden under dark mahogany, and then I'd be shaking you and try to bring you back to life. Which of course wouldn't work, and then I'd probably have another breakdown, a serious one this time, and I'd just lay there until I died._

_Well, this doesn't sound so bad to me anymore. At least I could see you then, you know._

_I will stop writing now. My fingers hurt nearly as much as my heart does. _

_I'll just go and place this letter in front of your grave stone, because that is the only place where you are going to ever see it. It's closest to you, and I feel like I might be able to visit your grave now. Forgive me if I'm not._

_Maybe this is goodbye, I don't know. I don't know. All I do know is that I love you, and I always will, and that I went straight from kissing you to missing you. And I love you._

_Forever yours,_

_Seamus Finnigan_


End file.
